‘How do you determine whether a potential lover really is a very nice person? I date younger men too. Many seem flaky.’
‘What is your screening process for meeting men on apps? Do you have any favorite questions or tips on what to look out for? I got divorced last year - so I am looking for all the advice!’
This week, two subscribers asked similar questions, so I decided to make a two-in-one of it.
As someone who’s been meeting younger men on general and subsequently cougar dating sites/apps for the past 20 years, I’ve had plenty of occasion to provide the Cindy Gallop Patented Three Step Guide To Successful Online Dating 🙂 So here we go (and btw, while I established this guide dating as a straight woman into younger men, my straight male/queer/looking for a soulmate friends have also found it practically useful):
Step One: The Photographic Filter
The moment someone approaches you, or you decide to approach them, the number one priority is that a) you like the look of them, and b) they look like what they say they do. This is especially important if they only have one photo on their profile, which could be that one great photo they had taken many years ago they’ve been using ever since. So your first request is, thank you so much for messaging, or hello, nice to meet you - please can you send me at least three up to date photos of yourself, including one full-length.
Now, here’s the important thing - there is nothing wrong with doing this. This is standard online dating etiquette. Everybody knows why you do this. So if anybody resists this, or comes up with excuses - they’re off the list, immediately. And believe me, I’ve heard them all - ‘Oh, I don’t have photos on this phone/laptop.’ Trust me, anybody who is not misrepresenting anything about themselves will be happy to send you a bunch of photos (which, of course, I’m happy to do in return). I’ve been advising friends on this for years, and I can tell you, the friends who chose to skip this step bitterly regretted it 😂
Step Two: The Writing Filter
Once you’ve established that you have a clear sense of what they look like and you like what you see, the next step is, do you have chemistry in writing? This is where you message back and forth (my preference is to do so on email, with a dedicated anonymized email address) to see whether you like how they express themselves in writing.
This is the stage where I encourage straight women to cut men some slack. Men tend not to be great at approaching women online in the same way they tend not to be great at approaching women IRL (with which I have sympathy - society expects men to do the approaching, and that can be pressurized, which is why I encourage women to make the first move in online dating as much as possible). I don’t mean cut some slack if the first thing that hits your inbox is a dick pic (OFF THE LIST). I do mean be tolerant of nervous, clumsy approaches. Message back and forth to see whether you have written chemistry. This is entirely subjective. In my case, misspellings and illiteracy mean off the list (I am an English major after all…..) but it’s really up to you.
Steph Three: The Phone Filter
It’s only after they’ve passed the first two filters, that you move to the third and most important step: the phone call.
This is where, as a straight woman (I can only advise related to my own experience), you ask for their phone number (you never give them yours, until after they’ve passed all three filters). You block caller ID, and you call them.
This is how you identify whether you have phone chemistry. Do you like the sound of their voice? (You can tell a lot about someone by the sound of their voice.) Are you able to maintain a conversation on the phone? (If you can’t on the phone, you sure as hell won’t over a drink or a Starbucks.) Are they entertaining and engaging? Are you entertained and engaged?
Only after they’ve passed all three filters, do you organize to meet IRL - because what these filters ensure is that, whether or not you end up clicking as dates, you will have a perfectly pleasant time meeting up, as opposed to an awkward, embarrassing, unpleasant one, which none of us has time for. I’ve been online dating using this approach for twenty-odd years, and I’ve never had a bad first date. I’ve had first dates where there was no chemistry and things ended there, but the men I’ve met have always been nice and pleasant to spend time with.
Now, relevant to the first question above: anyone like me and our questioner who dates younger men, will know they can be impatient 🙂 They want to move quickly to phone numbers, WhatsApp-ing or texting, Facetiming, meeting up. The three steps above are deliberately old-school. (You’ll note I recommend an old-fashioned phone call, not a Facetime or videocall - that’s deliberate, while you’re still filtering: voice-only is a good way to get a sense of someone minus what they look like.) How do you know if a younger man, or man, or potential date of whatever gender, is nice? THEY RESPECT YOUR PROCESS. I’ve had younger men decline to go through the above, which is fine, because they’ve automatically de-selected themselves as not my definition of a very nice person. A very nice person understands why you’re doing what you’re doing, especially as a straight woman, and is happy to comply.
Relevant to the second question above: my background is 38 years working in advertising. In my industry, we know that the tighter the brief, the better the results. In other words - be your own filter. Be crystal clear about what you are looking for, and that’s what will be attracted to you. When I say that, I mean, be crystal clear about the fundamentals. I do encourage friends not to overly screen for superficial things that might rule out some very nice people. For example, I don’t set minimum height requirements - I’m not remotely bothered what height a man is. I also, obviously, encourage people to be extremely open about age, and not to set conventional parameters. But be clear about what matters to YOU. Are you looking for commitment and ultimately marriage? Say so. Do you want children? Say so. Do you have children and want someone who welcomes that? Say so. Do you just want to have fun? Say so.
The clearer you are about exactly what you’re looking for, the better quality of responses you’ll get.
The final thing to say is - enjoy it! What I personally love about online dating, as I told Insider in this interview is that I get to meet people I would never normally meet in the course of my everyday life, and that is just so interesting and rewarding.
Also, beyond the MakeLoveNotPorn product roadmap I’m currently working to raise funding for, is another application we’ve had in the pipeline for a while.
A few years ago, a new member wrote to us at MakeLoveNotPorn telling us how much he loved our platform and our wonderful #realworldsex videos. He continued, ‘Please please please will you start a dating website - because I just know that anybody on YOUR dating website would be a stellar person.’
Now that is MakeLoveNotPorn brand endorsement at the highest level. I wrote back to him and said, funnily enough, we do plan one day to launch a MakeLoveNotPorn dating app, which would match people based, like our platform and our community, on shared sexual values. Not sexual proclivities - sexual values, a concept we pioneered and which I explain here to Stylist Magazine. Once we find investors and funding for that, watch this space, because ours will be the dating app where everybody is guaranteed to be a Very Nice Person 😍
Join MakeLoveNotPorn today to support my work to normalize and make it easier to talk about sex. Stock up on video credits by buying Cindy's Birthday Bundle to further support MakeLoveNotPorn!
I want to answer your questions - please respond directly here or email dearcindy@substack.com. I can’t wait to read!
Thank you so much for being a subscriber. This post is open to all but next week’s will be only for paid subscribers. Upgrade today to ensure you don’t miss out on any of the fun!
See you next Monday!
Love, Cindy
So true. After One year research in the dating battle field some remarks as a sociologist: Online dates means parasocial imagination arise very very quickly. Its very soon a virtual " bodyspace " as my collegue Johannes Fredrik Burow nailed it. You take your date partner into your living room, kitchen, garden - and not to forget - the bedroom. Its a double tricky communication that your brain confuses very quick. So you need 1. assistance ( a companero on this journey ) 2. Knowledge about " Romance Scammers tricks and methods" ( they learn quickly ...) 3. accept a change of your mindshift and have fun in this really modern " adventure of communication" in real time.